I don't think I am a person who is comfortable in being aggressive and to get what I want. I seems to be in a self-denial mode half the time. I don't know if it is the way I was reared or how I grew up, or just my shy nature, or this put other people before me attitude that I developed. It's probably a mix of all of them.

I didn't know it before but I am finding myself to be a more sentimental person that I previously thought myself to be. Am I being more sentimental now than before? Don't know, I feel like I am going through a second puberty. I think I am able to put myself more out there so I am more venerable.

Is that growth? Maybe. Definitely did some growing. Scriptures that I used to just skim through became meaningful and am able to understand more Scriptures and readings that I didn't understand are becoming relevant. But do i like it? I don't know. It's a two sided thing. Growth does not mean happiness. At least not yet. Maturity does not mean enjoyment. I find myself often on a different wavelength than others and it's a bit lonely. You get to see so much that others can't see and understand. You see through things but you are probably only the few in many who could.

You know what's better to do and it gets disappointing when you see some others doing otherwise. You wonder why you are so uptight yet you just can't let yourself go and play the same game because you know you are better than that. It does make you free in that it becomes nature to not do certain things, or have certain thoughts but in this world you might be the minority and not the norm, and people often misunderstand you for that.

I also don't like to be judged. Nobody does. And nobody is perfect so if someone really want to find fault in you, it's easy. We can all pick out a thousand things at fault on someone.

I am mixed. Part of me feel relieved, glad and thankful, but another part of me feel a burden, sense of lost... I am not quite sure what it is. Maybe it is love, or just part of it. Maybe it is fear as I take the next step, into the unknown.

I know part of what I have learned here but I am not sure why God's purpose for me to learn these things. How will He use me with these learned things? Can I connect the dots? Maybe later I will. What have I been avoiding? I want to just live and enjoy and be who I am meant to be.