INSOMNIA

INSOMNIA

Watching movie and reading books in bed helps one fall asleep.

I finally had a haircut in the afternoon yesterday. And now although my eyes are telling me to sleep, I somehow don't want to.

i feel there are many unfinished task. I have somewhat a more eventful weekend which I am having some trouble allotting the time to fit everything in. I am listening to music from 25th Hour, the Spike Lee movie I need to analyze. I guess I can analyze the music but that's not my part.

i feel like i aged here, this place certainly makes me feel old with all the people who are grown up. my friends often remind me of how old we are. my old friend Danny is turning 27 this Sunday and soon I will follow. according to them, i m the baby of '82. going back to school make me feel a bit old and i do spend a lot of time hanging with younger people.

like playing basketball i mostly play with undergrad, i just came back from a small retreat where there was someone who was 18 and i was like, 8 years older even though i don't think i felt that much older, i certainly don't look and act like it.

a lot of people telling me of time, about the big 30, the gate, the deadlines and i just basically just ignore them thinking that's something for another day yet it's true that things are heading this way. will it be more difficult later?

at times i do feel older, i m no longer a undergrad, i don't take order from everybody anymore. my tolerance for disrespectful attitude is lower now. i have more head knowledge and snare at some immature acts. i m more outspoken than before, there's nothing wrong with that, it's actually more healthy, but i realized that this inner self which has maybe less patience for injustice, stupidity and demands more respect.

i m not sure if that's age. part of me feel like a veteran while being the new kid on the block at the same time.

part of me don't act my age but what is my age? everybody develop differently. well, i m finding my ground here all over again, and i can't help to be thankful for things i have received which i did not earn.

a thankful heart is something that i have to keep and remind myself again and again, and in ways i have to grow to be more generous. but it's good to be on the receiving side after such a long time.

by the end, i really felt i was exhausted with my reserve on a very low level that was killing me inside. it was too much crap without much support. there was just little left to give. my internal reserve was almost to an exhausted point. that's why i m quite amazed at someone like my old man, how does he do that? i was simply just reflecting off the heat and i was sucked dry. he has the heat directly on him for the past 7 plus years, how does he do that? when he was young, he was a super hero. super loving, super helping, loved people with a big heart for others, passionate and outgoing. i m very different but we got something similar, we both hold on to our values and principles with our dear hearts. we guard them with our souls. we even make sacrifices to uphold these values and principles even if it means being taken advantage of and getting dirt from people, we stand firm.

sometimes, i would think that's like the only thing i m good at and reliable on.