a million things

I think my problem is that even in the morning, I have like a million things on my mind before I even start to work.

I just thought of how I missed the opportunity to teach some team concept to the two brothers who were fighting for position and the young one ended up crying. As a result, our team lost.

I got a link from my friend's wedding and I realized that the photographer was more like a amateur/professional without any substantial credential or training. In fact he put "certain training" on his website. But his photo isn't bad but are stuff that I could do. So it got me thinking, I could do something like that too. I could be an event photographer on the weekend and even at night. Freelance. What I need to do is to make a nice website with my portfolio on it, get the legal stuff, get a better camera (which i would do eventually myself anyway), better lenses and a real professional flash and that's basically it for me. The hard part would be myself. I would need to be a businessman, get organize, figure out how to organize the photos, have a place to archive them and make back up. It would be fun. I can get my brother or Leo as an assistant.

Yesterday night while walking back home, I told my brother that the backpack is heavy and asked if he could carry it. He carried it for me without much hesitation. I was actually a bit shock at how there was no resistant at all. I knew he would but I expected some verbal excuses before doing so and I was thankful for that.

While keeping order with the two brothers earlier in the day, I realized that my brother and I never had much of those experience because our age gap is just too big. We hardly fight. There was never ever any much competition. I was, for the past 12 years or so much bigger and stronger. It's only recently that we are ona a par physically...well, length-wise. I think he is a bit more mature and sensible than his peers because he learned from us, the much older siblings. He is considered the 'good' kid amongst his friends' parents. His friends' parents trust him and as long as their kids are hanging with him, the parents are at ease.

The theme at church this year is 'United as one to serve our Tin Tuen family'. The sermons this year are mainly on this theme and Rev had been hammering us with this message. However, although his sermons are very clear to me, a lot of people at church might not acknowledge the message. In truth, most people don't really pay attention during sermon, most people's minds just wander off, I know I do for like 20 minutes of a 45 min sermon. Most people might not even think of having to apply the message to their lives. I think it's a good lunchtime conversation to talk about the sermon. I always want to but it's somewhat hard. One is that you need to be surrounded by people I could talk to about the sermon. I also think the message of the sermons is too singular. Sermons need to be constructed to be more direct, personal for the people instead of illustrating a grand concept. Probably a mix would be good.

I was listening to music and Beyond or 黃家駒's 遙望came on. It's one of my favourite Beyond songs. I don't fully understand the lyrics but it's a melancholy song that moves me. The songs is for a girl but listening to it, it sounded as if it's for 黃家駒 . Well more like for us to deal with his departure. Listening to almost every song of Beyond, I get a sense of deep lost because of 黃家駒. His music really moves people. And it's not his looks, or his great vocal, it's his soul which transpire from his music. Thinking of Ka Kui, it feels like as feel these people, people like him, who are so rare in the society that we live in, are often taken away from us prematurally.

遙望
to look into the distance

仍是雨夜　凝望窗外　沉默的天際
問蒼天　可會知　心裡的感覺
隨著歲月　無盡愛念　藏在於心裡
像冰封　的眼光　失去了方向

讓雨點輕輕的灑過　強把憂鬱再掩蓋
像碎星閃閃於天空　叫喚妳

遙望盼望　能像清風　陪伴她飄去
讓孤單　的臂彎　一再抱緊妳
回望往日　如霧似夢　無奈的輕嘆
是她的　歡笑聲　風似輕吹過

每天多麼多麼的需要　永遠與妳抱擁著
忘掉世間一切痛苦悲哀
縱使分開分開多麼遠　也會聽到妳呼喚
期待我這一生再會妳

I think difference between a rev and pastor, or clergy generally from other people serving in the church is that they made a committment to bare the cross, to get into the gutter, to deal with all the shits of humanity (well, not all literally). Well, at least they made themselves to be in the profession at the middle of it. make it part of the livelihood. and that's not easy.

再見理想：紀念黃家駒

陳智德 　



獨坐在路邊街角，冷風吹醒 　
默默地伴著我的孤影 　
只想將結他緊抱，訴出辛酸 　
就在這刻想起往事 　

幾許將烈酒斟滿那空杯中 　
藉著那酒洗去悲傷 　
舊日的知心好友何日再會 　
但願共聚互訴往事

──〈再見理想〉曲／詞：黃家駒



　　一九八六年在高山劇場，第一次聽Beyond唱〈再見理想〉，不少人認為那是早期Beyond樂隊的自白，其實這首歌寫的是七○年代的樂人，黃家駒與黃貫中八九年接受《結他&Players》的訪問時說，舊一輩夾Band的朋友因樂隊風氣沒落，只能在一些夜總會作伴奏，最後放棄夾Band。把〈再見理想〉作為向香港舊一輩樂人的致敬之作，相信是更有意思的理解，六、七○年代之交，香港流行音樂風氣的轉變，正是由一班夾Band的朋友帶動，可惜在香港的大眾文化中，「音樂」這元素未得到應有的尊重，從夜總會的伴奏樂隊，到八○年代的偶像演唱會，樂手總是被「藏匿」在隱閉的角落，沒有名字和面孔。〈再見理想〉作為一首「樂手之歌」，在蒼涼、憤懣的氣氛以外，更可看出八○年代的Beyond，自覺到他們的位置，很清楚自己追求的是甚麼。

　　八○年代中期，香港的流行樂界再次興起樂隊潮流，像另一次循環般帶動另一種風氣，曾推出自己唱片的有「浮世繪」、「小島」、「凡風」、「Raidas」、「太極」、「Blue Jeans」、「達明一派」、「民間傳奇」等樂隊，包括搖滾、電子、民歌、流行等不同風格，他們的音樂元素已相當豐富，此外還有完全獨立（不附屬於任何唱片公司）的「黑鳥」、「盒子」和稍後的「AMK」等樂隊，他們活躍樂界的時間縱使只有一兩年，但都留下了具水準的唱片，同時期的《結他& Players》、《助聽器》、《音樂一週》等音樂刊物、連同一些別具眼光地引進外國獨立廠牌唱片的小型商舖，應視為整個八○年代由樂人所創建的音樂文化的一部份。Beyond作為這文化的一支，長期處於商業夾縫中，始終抱持明確的訊息，外界總不斷有「從俗」的要求，強大得無法抗拒，在〈俾面派對〉、〈不可一世〉、〈過去與今天〉等歌曲中，我們聽到的是比輕易接受或斷然拒絕更複雜的聲音，在認清了一切之後，向那不得已的「就範」力爭一點微薄的立場，在限制中放置可能、在宿命中求取自由，是比空喊反抗更令人動容的宣告。

　　在憤怒以外，Beyond有更多較正面的〈可否衝破〉、〈不再猶豫〉、〈衝開一切〉、〈勇闖新世界〉等歌，「理想」是經常出現的字眼，從八六年的〈再見理想〉至九三年的〈海闊天空〉，「理想」一詞始終貫徹其間，連歌頌母愛的〈真的愛妳〉也沒有忘記提及自己的「理想今天終於等到，分享光輝盼做到」，早期 Beyond許多歌曲的基本訊息都是擺脫目前受限的困局，追求心中理想，我想香港的樂隊以至流行歌手，沒有像Beyond那樣經常發出近乎「理想泛濫」的訊息。他們要衝破的，相信也包括不得已而唱的〈喜歡妳〉等情歌，可惜正如他們在訪問中提過，他們愈是討厭的歌，就愈是受歡迎。Beyond未必仇視情歌或商業，何況搖滾樂在外國本是很流行，有些也很商業化，只是在香港就被視為「另類」，這卻是他們無法衝破的怪象。一九九九年三人Beyond延至世紀末的最後一張大碟，再沒有「理想泛濫」的歌詞貫徹，而是代之以一曲〈荒謬〉，淡然地道破一切真實的所有：「某天人生多麼優美，這天人心肚滿腸肥」。

　　十年前，一九九三年六月三十日，黃家駒意外逝世，還記得九○年代初，市面上有一股懷舊的氣氛，懷緬六○年代的電影有《九二黑玫瑰對黑玫瑰》和《阿飛正傳》；講七○年代保釣和學運的有小說《紅格子酒舖》，走在街上，許多少女穿窄身花恤、闊腳牛仔褲、梳中間分界長直髮、身繫七彩膠珠飾物，宛似回到七○年代，黃家駒最後參與的唱片《樂與怒》在編曲和彈奏上更有意向七○年代的搖滾樂致意，我相信九○年代初那懷舊的氣氛不是一時的潮流，而是對當下的現實有所不滿，各式懷舊作品和衣著潮流所指向的不是重回過去，卻是當下的缺欠。《樂與怒》延續〈光輝歲月〉中歌頌黑人民權領袖曼德拉、〈AMANI〉中關懷第三世界的淑世精神，多首歌曲宣揚反戰、和平、博愛，〈爸爸媽媽〉則暗喻當時香港「過渡時期」的政治現實，《樂與怒》結合懷舊心情和當下問題的回應，Beyond長期以來的憤懣和壓抑，全都得到實在的指向，包括那帶點虛無的理想，也清晰地呈現為〈海闊天空〉式的意象。如果〈海闊天空〉漸漸也變成我們懷舊的對象，偶然在卡拉OK房間那永遠唱不準的音調裡延續，不過在暗地裡說明那音調、那境況，同是我們目前無法達到的標準。

　　八○年代一度樂隊雲集的高山劇場早已改建，在昔日那半露天的前台，樂手調校器材期間，揚聲器總不時發出剌耳的feed back回音，台下觀眾報以零星喧嚷，既興奮又帶一點不安的煩燥。突然響起了巨大的聲音，聽不清歌手在唱甚麼，卻好像在說：「這裡、這裡、這裡」，許多觀眾像被招聚的遊魂，紛紛湧到台前，要抓住失去的甚麼。到電結他過門獨奏時，又好像在說：「那裡、那裡、那裡」。就是那巨大的聲音，在日後仍然持續，接近二十年後三人Beyond重唱新編的〈永遠等待〉，更巨大的搖滾，把我們擺盪在「這裡」和「那裡」。 　


（《明報》世妃版,2003年6月30日）