Tiresome Day

Today was just hard. I finished filming my first dramatic scene yesterday with the help of Cindy an Phil as my actors. They were good, I sucked as a director. Something part of my weak direction. I think I need to just be really strong and pinned on on what I want exactly and be unwavering.

Woke up really early this morning to return the heavy equipment with Thukten and then was just at campus the whole day. I didn't get enough sleep so I had a slight headache when I arrived at Marrickville (pronounced mer-rickville). We joked a bit about one of us getting a car and I joked that I should find a girlfriend who drive truck and just love to drive people around.

Man, this is hard work. I basically did early heavy lifting and then stared at the monitor and playing with Final Cut Pro for the whole day. I was pretty tire when we were at the shop again to borrow and to carry the big-ass heavy equipment. Believe it or not, at 5'9", I am the biggest out of Thukten and Martin. And yes I am heavy, so I think I look like I can do a lot of heavy lifting but my left leg is pretty lame and my legs are carrying more than they should already and I have weak upper body strength.

To tell the true, we are like the 3 misfits. None of us have car and we are really a bit out there in our drama class. And we make like an ass of ourselves carrying lights, camera, tripod, wires, audio equipment to the station and back.

But to think back, I think I am somewhat like a misfit my whole life. I am a bit out there. In school, there were hardly much times when I felt like I was really in a group. In most of my life, I am a bit out there. A friend who grew up with me from middle school to college said that I was like someone who just did his own thing.

I think from a small age, I was kind of used to being the odd one, being the different person and I just never really fought it. I never like tried very hard to be part of a group. For most of my life, I am more comfortable with a small circle of friends although I like being around people in a lively atmosphere (except a party where I think people are just so isolated posing). I was the only Chinese boy in class for a very long time. My background has always been a little difficult to explain to people. I am unnormal. I can't help it. But a large part of me wants to be just like everyone else, but I don't think I am accepted or seen as just another person. For a long time, I have been the outsider looking in. The one outside, out on the bubble. I still am I believe. I don't think my life was ever really balanced.

A lot of thing don't seem to be real to me. I still feel like a visitor. So many thing for me are temporary. I don't know what it is to feel like to have something real you can grasp, some place to call home, something that I can really say is mine. I feel like I am always fighting this uphill dead beat, and I just throw all of my idealistic energy into it without knowing the outcome and I just don't know how much spirit and soul juice I have left in the tank before I run out.


I'll Go Crazy If I Don't Go Crazy Tonight Lyrics

She's a rainbow and she loves the peaceful life
Knows I'll go crazy if I don't go crazy tonight

There's a part of me in chaos that's quiet
And there's a part of you that wants me to riot
Everybody needs to cry or needs to spit
Every sweet-tooth needs just a little hit
Every beauty needs to go out with an idiot
How can you stand next to the truth and not see it?
Change of heart comes slow..

It's not a hill it's a mountain
As you start out the climb
Do you believe me or are you doubtin?
We're gonna make it all the way to the light
But I know I'll go crazy if I don't go crazy tonight

Every generation gets a chance to change the world
Divination that will listen to your boys and girls
Is the sweetest melody the one we haven't heard?
Is it true that perfect love drives out all fear?
The right to be ridiculous is something I hold dear
But change of heart comes slow...

It's not a hill it's a mountain
As you start out the climb
You see for me I've been shoutin
But we're gonna make it all the way to the light
But I know I'll go crazy if I don't go crazy tonight

Baby, baby, baby, I know I'm not alone
Baby, baby, baby, I know I'm not alone
Ha, ha, ha

It's not a hill it's a mountain
You see for me I've been shouting
Let's shout until the darkness, squeeze out sparks of light
You know we'll go crazy
You know we'll go crazy
You know we'll go crazy, if we don't go crazy tonight